Jump aboard the fitness train

Life after miscarriage is pretty rough. Your body basically goes through early labour, but instead of the adrenalin rush of a beautiful new baby, you're left empty handed dealing with all the symptoms you've come so accustomed to. Heart burn, soreness, tiredness and the wonder that is the baby blues. The hardest part of it all for me has been the absolute disgust I've suddenly found in my own body.

10 weeks of pregnancy took its toll. Loads of people knew I was pregnant before I told anyone. After 3 kids my body just decided, "I know what I'm doing here" and assumed the position. I already looked well into my 2nd trimester and had outgrown all of my pre-maternity clothes. It's a bitter sting that only a week after investing in maternity clothes I lost the very need to have them. 

I wore leggings for the first two weeks after miscarriage, despising the fact that the only other clothes I could fit into were meant for a body that was holding a baby. One Tuesday I asked Lee for the chance to walk around town on my own and I held back tears as I slid those beautiful H&M MAMA skinnies over my saggy tummy. The first shop I went to I bought jeans and changed right there in the changing rooms. I couldn't do it. It just hurt too much.

I haven't been able to look at myself with anything but distaste since the miscarriage. It's made things very difficult between Lee and I, where he's crying out for intimacy and I'm trying to make my body feel worthy of the attention but in truth I hate myself. I had an eating disorder in high school and the hate I felt for my body then is akin to how I'm feeling now. I hate this body that I've been left with, like some semi deflated balloon that's lost all chance of being picked. 

But there is hope.

I went to the gym this week. I've not been since getting pregnant, but so many people tell you that exercise is good for your mental health so I put those infamous gym leggings back on, the largest t-shirt I could find and set off telling myself, "I'm just going to do some cross trainer work". 40 minutes later and I'd smashed a kettlebell routine too. I felt like superwoman. 

Fitness was a huge part of my life before pregnancy and it feels like I'm getting a little bit of 'me' back. It's become a bit of a crutch, and you know, I'm okay with that. I've been on and off with fitness all my life, always using it to try to lose weight or punish my body, but this time it's something entirely different. It's about reminding myself of what I am capable of. It's a place to ignore the world for an hour and reteach myself perseverance and discipline. Just one more rep in the gym converts to 'let's get through one more day' in the world, and quite frankly I need the microcosm. 

I am in no way suddenly a gym bunny or a fitness guru, and who knows if this will stick for longer than a few weeks, but right now, this week, today, fitness has dragged me out of a pit of totally loathing my body when it wasn't able to do what I needed it to. Whatever happens, I will be eternally grateful for it.


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