Letting Go Of The Reigns

Nobody ever warned me of the emotional rollercoaster that dropping your child off at school would bring. I'm not talking about the "I don't want them to grow up" tears, but all the other stuff. The worry, the fear, the excitement, the dread. In truth, I've not been the same since the first day of school when I dropped Annie off with the promise of new friends and exciting learning experiences, but with the prayer, "please let her be okay" echoing on repeat in my mind.

School was a rough place for me, and primary school was the catalyst for many of my poor choices in high school. There is so much anxiety running through my mind when it comes to Annie making friends and doing well that is only magnified when I see how similar she is to me in character. Her making the same mistakes as me is probably my worst nightmare, and there is practically nothing I can do to stop it. She may never make friends, she may never do well in academic subjects, she might be completely left footed when it comes to sport, she could be bullied (or worse, the bully), and all I can do is continue to love her for who she is, day in and day out.

I'm an external processor (hence the blog), I'm not really a worrier, and yet this is driving me insane. I find myself on my knees quite regularly with tears streaming down my face asking God to protect her from all the stuff I went through. My life choices weren't great, and whilst I know they all led to me being this person now, I don't want any of that for my little girl. I can't defend her in school like I could when it was just me in her sphere of influence. I can't vouch for her in the same way or be by her side through it all. For those 6 hours a day, she's on her own working out who she is and who she wants to be and I'm just the Mom at the gates asking how her day went and getting a grunt in response.

Yet, through it all I have a hope. I have a hope that whatever story Annie creates, there will be a purpose for it all and a great testimony at the end of it. Some of the best testimonies (I'm sure we're not supposed to have favourites, but we all have those that have really stuck with us, right?) are the ones where it all seemed dire but THEN GOD. THEN GOD took than broken mess and gave it purpose. THEN GOD took that bold character and gave it vision. THEN GOD placed opportunities and experience in the path and moulded and shaped until something truly beautiful was created. My prayer is changing from "keep her safe" to "do your will and make her yours".

I'm in that God place of fear and excitement. The bible talks about rejoicing in the midst of the storm and that's right where I am - absolutely petrified but knowing God never forsakes us, or leaves us to the wolves. That girl of mine is going to be moulded into a truly awesome individual and this is the moment when I hand over the reigns to God and say, "she's no longer mine to shape". The dropping off at the school gates signifies so much more than our children just growing up, it's a leap of faith where we say to Jesus, "I trust you".

I can't wait to see the journey.


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